Sometimes I feel like I’m avoiding life. Like I know what I should be doing, and I purposefully do the opposite. Writing a blog post about it may be a little ironic. I should be applying for jobs, and I find myself reading or watching Macklemore and Beyonce at the Grammy’s (did you see those performances!). I should be learning Vectoworks or 3DS Max, and instead I am reading blogs about design and architecture (they’re what gets my heart racing!). I should even be cleaning or making dinner because I have all this time all of a sudden and instead I am on my iPad sifting through apps (I had to delete Candy Crush!) or running errands.
Out of embarrassment and wanting to hide, I have avoided posting anything over the last month that had any meaning. When we first moved here, I felt like it was acceptable to post about our challenges because we had just moved to a new country. Now it feels like failure after 9 months in the UK. And I don’t have answers. I’m conflicted between this sense of being able to do anything and feeling frozen to take the steps to get anywhere.
After 9 months in London, I feel like I’m back to square one.
The thing about a feeling is that it is not reality. And I’ve done a great job of convincing myself that what I’m feeling is real. My reality is that I am no longer employed, and that I don’t know what is next. And that is it. Even right now I can feel the “but” and the “and” wanting to being inserted into that sentence. All that would be is an attempt to make me look good in front of everyone.
I don’t want this to be confused with low self-esteem or not being confident. I know what an amazing designer I am and can be, and I know how hard I’m willing to work for someone and for myself. I want to say that the options are not what creates my paralysis – it’s the choosing that has me stuck. Vancouver or London? Yes – that is an option and a very viable option at this moment in time. Self-employed or employed by someone? Choose. Interior designer or more of a business/sales role? Choose. Have children/don’t have children? Choose. Have them now/have them later? Choose.
All of a sudden these major life decisions collapse in on themselves and the avoidance sets in.
The only way I know how to get out of this phase is to share and be in communication with people and to be in action. I’m hoping that through sharing this I will have gotten these things out of my head and they can get out of my way.