Avoidance

Sometimes I feel like I’m avoiding life. Like I know what I should be doing, and I purposefully do the opposite. Writing a blog post about it may be a little ironic. I should be applying for jobs, and I find myself reading or watching Macklemore and Beyonce at the Grammy’s (did you see those performances!). I should be learning Vectoworks or 3DS Max, and instead I am reading blogs about design and architecture (they’re what gets my heart racing!). I should even be cleaning or making dinner because I have all this time all of a sudden and instead I am on my iPad sifting through apps (I had to delete Candy Crush!) or running errands.

Out of embarrassment and wanting to hide, I have avoided posting anything over the last month that had any meaning. When we first moved here, I felt like it was acceptable to post about our challenges because we had just moved to a new country. Now it feels like failure after 9 months in the UK. And I don’t have answers. I’m conflicted between this sense of being able to do anything and feeling frozen to take the steps to get anywhere.

After 9 months in London, I feel like I’m back to square one.

The thing about a feeling is that it is not reality. And I’ve done a great job of convincing myself that what I’m feeling is real. My reality is that I am no longer employed, and that I don’t know what is next. And that is it. Even right now I can feel the “but” and the “and” wanting to being inserted into that sentence. All that would be is an attempt to make me look good in front of everyone.

I don’t want this to be confused with low self-esteem or not being confident. I know what an amazing designer I am and can be, and I know how hard I’m willing to work for someone and for myself. I want to say that the options are not what creates my paralysis – it’s the choosing that has me stuck. Vancouver or London? Yes – that is an option and a very viable option at this moment in time. Self-employed or employed by someone? Choose. Interior designer or more of a business/sales role? Choose. Have children/don’t have children? Choose. Have them now/have them later? Choose.

All of a sudden these major life decisions collapse in on themselves and the avoidance sets in.

The only way I know how to get out of this phase is to share and be in communication with people and to be in action. I’m hoping that through sharing this I will have gotten these things out of my head and they can get out of my way.

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9 thoughts on “Avoidance

  1. Dear most Amazing Daughter Tara,
    Your blog today is nothing short of breathtaking and inspiring. That is the kind of action that creates space to create and man oh man you created and are creating a magnificently, maybe even outrageously large space.
    I will sit here in absolute awe and await what you create and what gets created in that space.
    WOW.
    You inspire me.
    Love,
    Dad

    PS – everything is (always) perfect.

    • Thanks Dad! Amazing things are already being created. I just had an amazing call with my beautiful friend Nicole who inspired me to live and be true to myself. Love you!

  2. One more thought Tara,
    Try using the 10-10-10 process.
    What is the impact of my decision 10 days from now, 10 months from now and 10 years from now?
    Dad

  3. hi Tara. Thank you for your blog. I really love it. The honest communication is the most beautiful part and being vulnerable. We all are , yet we all hide our true selves and challenges. I know that this time will pass quickly for you ( the frozen). You are truly amazing. I felt completely frozen for a whole year ( maybe more) – and it was a really tough time in my life. I don’t even know how, or why I became unstuck – all i know is I was so grateful. My situation was of course, tons different, but that being said, it was real.
    . I am reading a really great book right now called ” The Untethered Soul” by Michael Singer – absolutely love it ( a great piece is about emotion not being real and letting it pass through). miss you Tara Bara. Love to you and Phil. xoxoxox ( REALLY MISS YOU BOTH!). xoxoxox

    • Thanks Aunty Jo!! I will definitely look into that book. Being vulnerable never comes easy to me but what happens after always surprises me and always makes it worthwhile. Miss you too!! Xoxox

  4. Hi Tara,

    I saw this the other day ….

    Sometimes when you look back at the trail you’ve tread, it’s actually hard to believe you were as scared or confused or uncertain as you were, yet still you rocked it.

    I say, remember that next time you feel scared, confused, or uncertain.

    You’re on fire,
    The Universe

  5. Hi Tara!

    I understand pretty well the sensation… I think it something that happens quiet often when you take a big step in your life, like moving to another country. I was feeling a lot like you when looking for a job, and sometimes still feeling like that when I look at my life now and see that my friends, family and things I used to before are no longer part of my everyday routine. In my case it’s more the lack of a friends network, and the fact that I don’t have much to do apart from work, even now that I live close to a big capital like London. It really feels like you’re sometimes going in the opposite direction of what you’re supposed to experience or have the interest and the curiosity to do.
    I guess this sensation only takes time to go away, and the only remedy is simply throwing yourself into some activity and try to live more in the world.
    I especially agree on the fact that the first step to come out of that passiveness is talking to someone.

    • Beautifully said Micol!! I’m always here if you’re looking for something outside of you’re daily routine! It’s nice to know that others are having similar experiences. Xxx

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