Why is it that after putting out literally one job application, if I don’t hear back right away, I think the world is coming to an end? There’s something about looking for work that brings out all my insecurities. Maybe that’s why I’ve always worked for myself. Most people don’t start businesses because they’re afraid to fail, well I hate to break it to you, but you can fail working for someone else too.
I’ve literally sent my portfolio to one agency (the one I think is the best though) late this morning and am panicking and over-thinking everything. Did I say the right thing in the email? Is my portfolio really that terrible that no one will hire me? Do I have enough experience for any job? Maybe I’m not even a good enough designer to sweep their floors. Maybe I wrote down his email address wrong. Maybe there are no jobs out there and my days will be spent wallowing away at what my experience in London could have been. Dramatic – I know!
The fact is, I know none of those things are true. Logic is buried somewhere beneath all the negative things that spring up like little mouse traps in my brain. I think it’s hard when you want something so badly to put yourself out there. I really didn’t want to write about this, but it’s my reality, and I’m hoping somehow it will make it better. Sometimes I think, if I pretend I really don’t want it that badly, then when it doesn’t happen, I won’t be judged for it. Isn’t that a lame stand for something. How powerless and pitiful. That’s not the kind of person I want to show up as in this world.
I want to be someone who stands for living a full life, taking chances and going for my dreams. And one of those dreams is to spend my life infatuated with my career as an Interior Designer. I want to learn constantly and grow constantly, not so that I can be better or smarter, but because I am inspired by it. When I read blogs or someone asks me for advice, I feel this explosive ball grow in the pit of my stomach that just wants to spew design.
So right here, right now, I am taking a stand to create an amazing career in London as an Interior Designer. I am going to thank the bossy pants in my head and politely ignore her unhelpful comments. I know they won’t go away, but they don’t have to dictate what actions I take or don’t take. And I know I am capable of creating what I want – we wouldn’t be in London otherwise.